In spite of being born into sin, I started with a clean slate. Many things have been written on it in my 44 years, but God….

My parents divorce when I was 7. Both later remarried, which had its challenges. Life happened as it may, and I became a mother at the age of 19. God blessed me two more times after that, with my boys. Written here are my own failed marriages, my children’s broken homes, an affected step-daughter, and the conflict of ex-spouses for both my husband and I. I’ve been broke, broken, & backslidden, sometimes all at the same time. Drinking helped, but not really.

Broke, Broken, & Backslidden, Literally

When I had finally had enough, sometime after my 2nd failed marriage, I cried out to God one evening. “Why?!?! What am I? A sacrificial test dummy for damaged men?!?!” THIS wasn’t the life God promised ‘ME’ in Jeremiah 29:11 when I accepted Jesus 32 years ago. Little did I realize it then, but that moment was the springboard of my life. Feeling sorry for myself, I began seeking prayer from co-workers; those that I knew were solid Christians, because I was convinced that their prayers made it beyond the ceiling, unlike mine. I had fallen from grace. God couldn’t hear me, so I thought.

Soon after, my then relationship ended after God quickly and graciously showed me the unfaithfulness. It was without a doubt divine intervention the way I discovered it. I knew then that in spite of my wandering, either He had heard my cries that lowly evening or my co-workers prayers had been answered.

God doesn’t want to change our circumstances, as much as He wants to change us.

Lessons & Blessings

In the end what I learned from these particular experiences is that I’m not smart enough to run my own life. Try that on for size! God gave us all free will and many of the tribulations I have experienced in my life are the result of my own choices. Being the gentleman He is, He has not once infringed on that freedom. Although, there are times I wished He had. In spite of being broke, broken, and backslidden, it’s through these trials that I figured out that God doesn’t want to change our circumstances, as much as He wants to change us. When our lives are on fire, God meets us where we are and continues our refining process.

The beauty in it all is that when I humbly accepted ownership of all the worldly labels and sought forgiveness, God met me where I was and freed me. Through the Holy Spirit, I was redeemed and re-labeled. Those labels now read, “Forgiven,” “Sealed,” “Marked,” and “Called.” And while I have accepted that I will always reside in the refining process, and at times, lack luster, God is quick to brush me off and polish me to restore my shine.  So even when my life is ablaze, I am at peace, for my Refiner lives in me.

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